Otto

"Hey, Buddy."

I can't tell you how many times we said that a day. And he was our buddy. The best kind of buddy. He knew when we were sad, he knew when a big head butted into our tummies would heal all troubles, and he knew how fun it was to play.

I think the full impact of his absence, the vacuum that was left in his wake, will hit us gradually and steadily. To feel the full brunt of heartache all at once is almost more than I could bear, but to feel little shots of pain spread out over time as we realize that 'something is missing here' makes the heartbreak, ever so slightly, less all-encompassing.

I felt the pain of the vacuum this morning. Every morning, almost without fail, Otto would join me in the bathroom while I took a shower. Maybe he liked the warmth or the sound of the water or maybe he knew that I would invariably snuggle with him while I let the water heat up and while I brushed my teeth. Lots of petting and head butting and then the magic moment: the full-on flop on the floor. And Otto could flop like no other cat. Especially in his huge cat prime. He loved to have his belly rubbed and he'd push against me with his feet and wriggle around on the bathmat while I sat down next to him. We spent endless mornings, still dark outside, just him and me.

He wasn't there to greet me this morning.

Looking back at the millions of photos, it hit home how huge he used to be and how frail he had become. He was a shadow of his former monstrousness. Living with someone, it's hard to see the gradual change. We knew he had lost weight early this Spring, before the confirmation that "something is very wrong". He was a very big cat. Huge head, long body. He was probably slightly overweight, but he was also just bigger than most cats. His personality was also bigger than any cat I've met. He radiated sparkle and fun and love and snuggles and playfulness.

He was one in a million.

We're lucky to have known him and to have loved him so intensely back.

He loved to sit on Aaron's back and sprawl out. This was partly Aaron's fault, because he thought it was cute to have a little kitten sitting on his back. Little did Aaron know how big Otto was going to get and that he was setting a precedent for the rest of Otto's life. Anytime Aaron picked Otto up, Otto would move to lay on Aaron's back. He never did that with me. Instead, I picked him up and held him like a baby and smelled his great, big head and gave him kisses.

He loved to play. If he was on our bed, we could always get him playing by putting our hands under the covers and moving them around. He'd get that intense look of mischief and start patting his paws and kicking his back paws at the moving lump. He also loved the little furry mice with the rattling noise. He was really good at catching them and he loved to jump and twist in the air to get them. Back and forth, back and forth. We'd throw the mousie up and try and get him to jump as high as possible.

He loved to be near us. All the time. I think that is one important part of our relationship that had been missing lately. He'd sit on our papers or our game boards or our laps. He wasn't content to sit next to us nor content to be upstairs when we were downstairs. I have so many photos of Aaron working on the computer with Otto sitting on his lap. It was just a given. If you spread papers out to work? Make room for Otto.

He loved to be outside. He never wandered very far and liked to just bask in the sun and smell the garden and chill. We called him Ferdinand because he just wanted to sit under the trees and smell the flowers. We're both thankful that he was able to spend his last years at two houses where he could go outside. I really wish he had had more time at our house. I was trying to build up the garden to create lots of spaces I knew he liked.

We called him a dog-cat because he was very vocal and he greeted us every day and followed us around outside and mostly just did not act like a stereotypical cat.

We're lucky we had 7 years with just him and Tabitha before Sophie's arrival eclipsed everything. He was very skeptical of Sophie at first until he probably realized that we were going to be where she was and he started joining us every night while we read her books and when she took baths and when we were outside. He'd follow Sophie around outside and she got a lot of enjoyment from this. "Oh, Otto! Hey, Buddy. You big foof-a-loof." She picked up our loving nicknames and he let her hug him and pat him and hold his tail. We even altered one of Sophie's favorite songs, "I've been working on the railroad", to include him at the end: "Sophie's in the kitchen with Otto. Sophie's in the kitchen with O-o-t-o-o. Sophie's in the kitchen with Otto. Otto wants some snacks. Meow, meow!"

Ten years is a long time and it's not long enough. I never thought we'd lose him this soon.

We loved you, Otto, buddy. We loved you so very much.

Otto

"10/30/08" Otto. R.I.P." - handwritten in his file by my dad.

Otto was diagnosed with kidney failure in April and we tried everything we could think of to keep him happy and today we put him to rest.

He was the best cat. "Big, Fat, Orange Cat" or BFOC for short. Huge kitty - big head, very long. The biggest loveable fuzzball.

He used to weigh upwards of 17 pounds and today he weighed 7. Good-natured and loving until the end, he had just lost his sparkle and was barely hanging on.

A good friend said that their vet told them, when they were making the same decision about their dog, to make a list of the dog's favorite things. And as those things no longer interest them, or they can't do them anymore, then it is time to consider their quality of life.

Otto used to sprawl and snuggle and chase moths and climb trees and greet us every day. He hasn't done any of that for a while.

I'm sure I'll write more later when I've had a chance to recover.

There are more photos on flickr.

Happy Belated Birthday!

To me. My birthday was Sunday. We were at my sister's house all weekend to celebrate 4 family birthdays and it was great to see everyone amidst the chaos. I almost forgot it was my birthday until my mom mentioned it to Sophie Sunday morning. I told everyone I was 36 until I was gently reminded by my brother-in-law that I was born in '71. Oops. Does it help that I feel like I'm still 25?

In other news, October 23 was the 5-year anniversary of this site. Crazy, eh? It's been a strange couple of months and I've obviously not been posting very often.

We're dealing with Otto's rapid decline, my doctor is playing around with my thyroid meds and now I'm on iron supplements. We've all been sick with the flu (Aaron and I) and bad colds and bronchial spasms (Sophie). I feel like I'm living through a fog. I'm turning the corner on the sick and the iron and new thyroid combination meds should, hopefully, help me deal with the fog of winter.

Did you know they are forecasting snow showers for today?! Isn't that special.

We have a lot to do around the house to prepare for winter (and spring). I still have all my allium bulbs to plant and I'm waiting for a wildflower seed order to get in the ground before everything is completely frozen.

I'm also making Sophie's Halloween costume this week (after work, after Sophie's in bed). The flu delayed things quite a bit and I've also been making lots of cakes. Two wedding cakes and two birthday cakes and a couple of presents for this weekend. Now onto one more cake (last night) for a friend's birthday and then cutting and sewing Sophie's costume.

The sewing machine is upstairs, but I'm going to drag it down so I can sew in front of the tv the next couple of nights. Wish me luck.

Crafty Linktastica

So cool! Reverse-applique Eyeball t-shirts! Any of my family reading this? Try to forget it before Christmas. Thanks.

Also, a great download for adorable cupcakes

Water balloon luminaries. Absolutely beautiful.

And these gingerbread skeletons are wonderful. Definitely "why didn't I think of that?"

Happy Birthday Sophie!

Sophie turns THREE today! Can you believe it? For anyone still reading who was with us from the beginning, this seems just crazy.

Where did the time go?

How can my squishy, chubby little baby be a tall three-year old who makes funny jokes and has opinions on shoes and wants to go up the stairs by herself?

So, as I reel in shock over how big she is, here's a salute to the best little girl I've ever met.

Sophie, my loo, my boof, my moo, my smooch.

You are a big snuggle bunny and I love, love, love to cuddle up with you and read you book after book. Your interest in books - especially the long ones - charms me to my toes because I love that you love them like I love them. Dr. Seuss is a favorite right now - "Circus McGurkus", "The Lorax", "Thidwick, the Big-hearted Moose", in particular. "What Pete Ate", by Maira Kalman is also a favorite. You've memorized the whole thing and it's not an easy book to memorize. You memorize pretty much every book we read, actually, and I love testing this by pretending to forget a word and you chime in with the rest of the page or sentence or paragraph.

You've recently found joy in rhyming. Which is probably why Dr. Seuss is such a favorite. It also helps that your Daddy gets such a kick out of reading all the tongue-twisters. You love discovering new (and made-up) words that rhyme.

You're still interested in signing and you very recently, finally, managed the sign Hippopotamus. Not an easy sign and you've worked and worked and worked on it. You were so thrilled when you did it (in the doctor's office) that you interrupted me and the doctor talking about your breathing and coughing and you started jumping all around the office yelling "HIPPO!!!" Daddy also showed you later that you can use the same fingers to yell "Rock On!". This thrills him endlessly.

Other phrases you use that we love: "thunder from down under", "I AM your father!", "won't you look at me, won't you just look at me!", and "okey dokey, artichokey".

It's been downright chilly the last week or so at night and, in addition, we've all been struck with a bad cold (possibly the flu?). We've all been snuggling together at night in bed. I could say it's because you've been sick and we've had to use the nebulizer (again) to keep an eye on your breathing. I could also say it's because it's cold and we worry about you freezing in your room. But, really? In my heart? I know it's because I adore the way you snuggle into me in the middle of the night. Your little feet finding warmth in the small of my back. You flinging your still beautifully chubby little hands onto my pillow and murmuring "Momma" in your sleep. We have little conversations in the middle of the night that are the essence of our connection: "Momma.", "My moo.", "Momma.", "Here I am, moo."

There aren't words to express how much we adore you. And how much you blow our minds with your smarts and your humor and your joie de vivre. You are a tornado of awesomeness and you are so much more than I'd hoped for in a daughter. I'm absolutely, hopelessly proud of you.

With the biggest hug ever,

Momma